So, I don't plan on actually posting this one to social media. This post is mainly just a self reflection and way to organize my thoughts. If it happens to help someone who stumbles upon it somehow, then that is faint and I'll leave it to that.
I guess these thoughts came about within the last few weeks. I had been out of insulin since October and the symptoms of diabetes had really gotten to me. Losing weight, agitation,severe muscle weakness, basically having an utter meltdown. I didn't want to bother anyone with it so I made a doctors appointment & figured I'd suck it up until then. Well, this would have worked had the diabetes not made me a raging bitch. I feel so guilty looking back and knowing how I had been acting, definitely was not healthy or fair to those around me. I finally broke down to Michael and explained why I'd been such a crazy person. Bless his soul, he definitely deserved a medal!
Now that I am out of the diabetes fog, I can see what a crazy psycho I have been. Yes, I've apologized but I began to realize that everyone shows their affection a little differently and some people have to work harder at social situations than others, like me. I have to make a conscious effort in every kind of relationship. I'm very defensive and cut people out quickly in order to avoid being hurt. This is just how my brain works. I have to think more before I speak more than others, have to remember others sensitivities and keep them in mind when having interactions. It's really difficult for me in many different types of social situations.
I guess realizing this and knowing it is just part of the battle. Execution is quite a difficult challenge but I have to work at it in order to keep relationships healthy & happy. This is just apart of who I am. For most people, this comes easily and they don't have to even think before speaking. For me, it's almost easier just to stay quiet and keep to myself than engage. What's strange is it was so easy for me when I was younger, but I think as I get older it's just gotten awkward and more uncomfortable for me. I want to be loved, liked, and I want to be included. This can be what gets in the way sometimes.
Sharing this all makes me very vulnerable and I feel like it's taken a great deal of courage but it helps me. Kind of like therapy in its own way. This weekend, the guys are gone both Saturday and Sunday. I will be very excited to see them Monday after work. Today I cashed in my gift certificate that Michael had gotten for Christmas for a massage and facial. I plan to continue to relax tomorrow and get ready to see those boys Monday afternoon!
..xobb
I guess these thoughts came about within the last few weeks. I had been out of insulin since October and the symptoms of diabetes had really gotten to me. Losing weight, agitation,severe muscle weakness, basically having an utter meltdown. I didn't want to bother anyone with it so I made a doctors appointment & figured I'd suck it up until then. Well, this would have worked had the diabetes not made me a raging bitch. I feel so guilty looking back and knowing how I had been acting, definitely was not healthy or fair to those around me. I finally broke down to Michael and explained why I'd been such a crazy person. Bless his soul, he definitely deserved a medal!
Now that I am out of the diabetes fog, I can see what a crazy psycho I have been. Yes, I've apologized but I began to realize that everyone shows their affection a little differently and some people have to work harder at social situations than others, like me. I have to make a conscious effort in every kind of relationship. I'm very defensive and cut people out quickly in order to avoid being hurt. This is just how my brain works. I have to think more before I speak more than others, have to remember others sensitivities and keep them in mind when having interactions. It's really difficult for me in many different types of social situations.
I guess realizing this and knowing it is just part of the battle. Execution is quite a difficult challenge but I have to work at it in order to keep relationships healthy & happy. This is just apart of who I am. For most people, this comes easily and they don't have to even think before speaking. For me, it's almost easier just to stay quiet and keep to myself than engage. What's strange is it was so easy for me when I was younger, but I think as I get older it's just gotten awkward and more uncomfortable for me. I want to be loved, liked, and I want to be included. This can be what gets in the way sometimes.
Sharing this all makes me very vulnerable and I feel like it's taken a great deal of courage but it helps me. Kind of like therapy in its own way. This weekend, the guys are gone both Saturday and Sunday. I will be very excited to see them Monday after work. Today I cashed in my gift certificate that Michael had gotten for Christmas for a massage and facial. I plan to continue to relax tomorrow and get ready to see those boys Monday afternoon!
..xobb
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